The secret you’re missing for a happier life
Happiness stems from providing it to others
At the end of every phone call with my mom, we say we love each other before we say goodbye. We have been doing this my entire life, and to my mom and I, it has always been the norm. But, why do we wait so long to share how we feel?
It seems so routine to say I love you, talk to you later, bye at the end of our conversation. After 23 years, the sentence just flows off the tongue. Gratitude and love should not be routine; they should be considerate, methodical, symbolic, and surprising.
Think of the last time someone said Hey, I’ve been thinking about you lately, and I just wanted to say, I love you. I bet that moment stands out in your memory significantly more than the last time someone said I love you, bye at the end of a phone call because that ending sentence slowly begins to lose its meaning. We end up saying it because we‘ve always done it that way, but in reality, it adds no significant value. It has turned into a signifier of its absence entailing a problem in the relationship.
Think of any romantic movie you watched recently. You don’t remember the moments when the couples kissed each other and left. Instead, the moments that stand out are the ones like the scene from the Office where Jim and Pam meet at a gas station in the pouring rain and Jim proposes. It’s not the proposal that makes the scene. It’s the surprise of the moment and the reality of it. They weren't seeking perfection in environment or ambiance, they were seeking it in feeling.
I began thinking of this one day when I brought donuts into my office for no reason other than I wanted some, and I figured other people would too. As I began to hand them out, I was repeatedly asked the question what is the special occasion? This befuddled me.
Having observed my Aunt’s unwavering generosity throughout my entire life and seen the success it has brought her and those around her, I have slowly gained the same outlook. She showed me you don’t need special occasions to show others how special they are. Whether that is in your relationship or at work, it is important to show your gratitude to each person on a daily basis.
Gratitude can be shown with spoken words, in writing, via physical touch such as a hug, or in gifts. Words will have the most powerful affect of all the acts because your words are less likely to be misconstrued than a gift. However, play to your strengths. If you are really good at picking gifts go for it. A little card on the side saying something such as Great work on the project or thinking of you is the perfect addition to top it off.
Unfortunately, this is not the established norm. Having received the question, what’s the special occasion?, every time I’ve spontaneously brought gifts, I see that very few individuals think this way. From a financial standpoint, this makes sense. I went from spending a dollar fifty on a donut to ten dollars on a dozen. But, the surprising thing is, the gift was reciprocated later on. It may not have been in a dollar amount, but whether it was a coffee, a favor, or anything else, I was rewarded much more than the amount I spent.
However don’t look at it from what you will gain. Look at it from the perspective of what your friends and colleagues will gain. Being thought of is the best gift you can give someone. This is widely known to be critical in strengthening personal relationships which is why Valentines Day and Christmas are such popular holidays for giving, but it is also prevalent in work environments. At work, you are with the same people every day. You may even spend more time with them than your family during some periods. Showing them gratitude for sharing a piece of your life with you will make their day much better while paying off in spades later on all.
We often forget that our every day experiences aggregate into our overall outline of life. Even if you dislike your cubicle mate, or you are only spending a short time with a group, they are still making an impact on your life view. This was ingrained in me during my second internship with General Electric Aviation. During this time, I had the pleasure of meeting a man named RT. We spent one day a week talking about life at the local Starbucks, and every day we met, he would reiterate the same phrase; make every day greater than the last.
You don’t need a special occasion to show others they are special. Whether that is in your relationship or at work, it is important to show your gratitude to each person on a daily basis.
This really stuck to me. If I’m not actively working to better my life than I am missing out on all the amazing aspects of my time here. RT was truly an amazing guy that will leave a lasting impression on my life. He showed me first hand how generosity improves everyones life, particularly mine.
You don’t have to wait until the end of the phone call or day to say I love and appreciate you. Say it sitting on the couch or at the grocery store instead. You don’t have to wait until Valentine’s Day to buy flowers or a small gift. Do it on Tuesday instead. You don’t have to wait until the end of the fiscal year to buy lunch. Do it this week instead.
Remember, our goal for every interaction is to add value either emotionally, physically, intellectually, financially, professionally, or personally. Making your interactions genuine and individualized will set you up for success in relationships and in life.
Stop waiting for the perfect time or the right moment. Constantly showing your gratitude to others will make them happier and thus make both of your lives better. The more spontaneous and surprising, the more memorable the experience will be. We can’t all be Jim and Pam, though. So, maybe bringing bagels for breakfast on Tuesday or coffee to your spouse in bed on Saturday will be enough for now.
Here are a few examples of opportunities to show others you’re grateful
- Bring the whole team coffee every Friday morning rather than just having it for yourself
- Bring snacks to the late night study session
- Tell someone you appreciate their help in the middle of the interaction rather than the end, add a pause to help it sink in
- Tell your family members you love them and appreciate everything they do for you when you don’t have a reason
- Buy two items instead of one if you are going to meet someone
- Offer to share what you have. A lot of people will instinctively say no at first, but you can get around this reluctance by cutting a piece off (if it is food) and saying it is for them. This makes them feel that they are not taking from you but instead taking what is already theirs. Just be respectful when taking this approach. There are many reasons why someone would say no to food.
- Buy the first round of beers at the bar
- Cook dinner for your neighbors
