Confidence — Fearing Other People’s Opinions (FOPO)
Learn how to limit other’s influence on you, so you can live your best life in 2023.
To each there comes in their lifetime a special moment when they are figuratively tapped on the shoulder and offered the chance to do a very special thing, unique to them and fitted to their talents. What a tragedy if that moment finds them unprepared or unqualified for that which could have been their finest hour.
— Winston Churchill
Something that significantly holds us back from achieving the confidence and growth we desire, particularly in the new year, is the potential opinions of other’s. Fearing other people’s opinions (FOPO) is detrimental to confidence because of how distracting it can be to a life devoted to pushing the boundaries of our capability.
I feel this fear very often. It is present in all of us, but for me I experience it when I am going against the grain and trying something new. Even writing these articles gives me fear of what other people will think. Are my articles good enough? Should I have spent more time editing? Maybe I just shouldn’t publish it. Someone has probably already written this anyway. But, this fear is merely a signal that I am doing something new. My thoughts aren’t a sign that danger is near, rather it is a sign that I am stepping out of my comfort zone, and that is okay. Actually, it’s better than okay. It’s amazing. In the moments when I have these thoughts, I stand by Brené Brown’s words: being vulnerable is hard, but if we want anything meaningful in life, we must choose courage over comfort.
If we listen to what other people believe is possible, it’s very easy to think that’s what we believe is possible too. However, our abilities are a function only of our mindset. This is an incredible insight because our mindset is something we have complete control over regardless of our circumstances. For example, maintaining a resilient mindset is how the prisoners at the Hanoi Hilton survived for so many years under brutal captivity. They survived so much hardship only because they were able to maintain resilience while others tried desperately to get them to break.
Regardless of the environment we find ourself in, it can seem like the negative thoughts are always around. That’s because we create the ideas in our own minds. Not because they are based on reality. Fear itself is based on an idea created in our own head. If it was something based on reality, it would be danger or pain, but it isn’t. Recognizing that we can control that fear is pivotal to overcoming it. By reframing the fear from “what if they say this” or “I’ll lose everything if I fail” to “imagine what I will accomplish when I finally overcome this obstacle” or “I have been preparing for this. I may fail, but I know I can get back up again and keep pushing”, will shift our mindset from one of negativity and limits to one of growth and infinite opportunities.
In that moment, when you need to raise your hand to volunteer, when you need to do something that’s scary, or when you need to take that step and stand up for what is right, there’s no time to consider the potential opinions of other’s. What happens as a result of stopping in the face of action is our conscious mind steps in and slows us down. This interjection makes us overthink and stops us from taking the action that will push us out of our comfort zone towards growth.
Dr. Michael Gervais did in experiment in front of a crowd. He asked everyone to raise their hands if they were willing and ready to accept discomfort to grow. Everyone in the crowd put their hand up. Then, he asked the crowd, “who is willing to come up on stage with me and give a speech on a topic of my choosing?” Only a couple people, from the same crowd, put their hands up. This is the situation you want to avoid and one that you CAN avoid.
Dr. Gervais explained that just moments before everyone said they were ready and willing to step into discomfort, but when the opportunity arose to actually do that, they let their negative and limiting mindset step in the way. These moments where our body sends us signals of fear, anxiety, and discomfort are the exact moments we need to act. These feelings are signaling to us that an opportunity has arisen to help us grow. It is only through overcoming FOPO and taking action that we will actually achieve the growth we have been seeking.
There’s a reason that transient hypo-frontality occurs in flow. Transient hypofrontality is when the prefrontal cortex, the decision-making center of the brain, begins to shut off certain thought processes to streamline decision making. This simplifies the situation by removing layers of complexity and limiting extraneous information. Quickly, information is collected and an unconscious response occurs without even considering the opinions or thoughts of others.
A simple technique to easily achieve this in your own life is called the 5 Second Rule, coined by Mel Robbins. The next time you need to act, but you are feeling fear, count down from 5. 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. Then, without thinking, act. This simple technique short circuits our complex decision making to force us into action. It sounds crazy, but it works better than you could ever believe.
We miss out on so many moments when we fear what other people will think. 2023 is the year to be confident in our ideas and our actions so we can move forward with a growth mindset at the forefront of our decisions.
The opinions of other’s have their place. It is important to be open and conversational with people of differing opinions. But, there’s a very specific place for these opinions, and once the decision is made, we must act. We must go with what we believe and what we thought through when nothing was on the line. That is why we take the time to plan. It allows us time to fully analyze the information in comfort, so when the moment arises, we’re ready.
When considering other’s opinions, we can treat each opinion uniquely. Ray Dalio discusses in his book Principles that you can give each person a percentage of trust. How much trust do you give them? It varies based on their experience, stories you heard, their expertise, or your level of relationship with them. You can also consider how much risk they have taken in the area. If they are just a critic with no flesh in the game, that is an easy way to determine they deserve very little trust. Instead, we must give our time and energy to the people that are out there along side us struggling on their way to growth. The people that are willing to risk and suffer hold a special place in our decision making because they have earned the trust.
Fighter pilots experience this just like everyone else. Flying a fighter jet is an incredibly complex task. Not only are you crossing the ground in excess of 10 miles per minute, but you also need to analyze information, plan where you are going in the next 100 miles, and think about the other 3 jets flying alongside you. The only way to make this happen is to plan every possible scenario on the ground before flying, so when they arise, you don’t need to think before acting. You are already ready. You aren’t immune to the opinions of others in this situation either. At all times, you are being evaluated, watched, and recorded. Every action you take is analyzed in the debrief with a fine tooth comb for hours on end.
To overcome this pressure and move forward, you must have confidence that the work you did in your planning was correct. Be confident in yourself that you did the work and you are doing what is right. Because even a second of indecision could cost you your life. Maybe you aren’t losing time on this earth, but you are losing the life you deserve to live — the one you would achieve if you leaned into your greatest potential and took the risks you’ve always wanted to take, but were too afraid of. That is the life you are likely to lose.
Move forward into this year with the confidence that you have done the work and are ready to take action. Limiting beliefs belong to other people. This is the year to make what you’ve been seeking a reality. Use reframing, the 5 second rule, and planning to overcome indecision and act in accordance with your beliefs. This is the year you see what you are truly made of.
I’ll leave you with one of my favorite quotes and one that has inspired much of Brené Brown’s work on shame and vulnerability.
“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.” ― Theodore Roosevelt
